Sunday, August 20, 2017

Journaling challenge day 3.

Thought I should post a link to where I found the list I am using or this challenge.  Better late than never!  30 day blog challenge


Really good. I am very thankful for the example they set for me in terms of parenting and also in terms of their relationship with each other.  I identified with my father more as I recognised a lot of my personality traits in him. I loved that he was so intelligent; fiercely intelligent.  And fiercely protective of intelligence.  If you were going to do something, it was worth doing it well. There was nothing half-arsed about him.  Having said that, he was a procrastinator extraordinaire! And amazingly creative and funny.  So funny.  I remember telling him once, when I was about 12, that I was a tiny bit scared of him when I was little.  I just remember the look of shock and pain on his face. I instantly regretted saying it, but it is a testament to him that he just said "I'm sorry you felt that way.  I hope you don't feel that way anymore."  And we just moved on. My husband often says to me that Dad is reaping what he has sown now that he is in a nursing home.  His children visit him often and make him things and take him out and spend time with him.  All because he was the sort of Dad who took the time to go camping with his kids, give them part-time jobs in his pharmacy in the Christmas holidays and most importantly, he laughed a lot with them.

I was very close to my mother and I actually liked her immensely.  I like to think that if we had met as adults, we would have been friends. I now only occasionally notice all the mother/daughter pairings when I go to the shops.  I guess having my own daughter has alleviated some of that pain. I now notice the grandmothers with their grandchildren. I used to feel terribly lost when friends would talk about spending time with their mothers.  When Mum died, I was beginning to realize that she might have something important to say.  That she might have wisdom to impart to me about life. That she could make me feel safe with just a hug, the way no-one else has ever done, nor probably ever will. It's that feeling of complete safety and utter love that I hope to give to my children.  Because I was more like dad than like her, I think we rarely clashed.  One of my sisters is more similar to Mum than Dad and she clashed with Mum terribly but had a very close relationship with Dad.

I love both my parents very much.  I miss my mother every day and I am currently trying to ignore the fact that I have already lost my father to dementia. I keep hoping he will get better.

I should probably mention my stepmother too.  Joan married Dad four years after Mum died.  It has not always been easy.  Mum's death left a huge, gaping, painful hole in our family, still felt to this day.  I'm not sure she was prepared to take on a whole family when she married dad. She does not have children of her own so it's not hard to understand why it was a steep learning curve for us all. I am so thankful to Joan for loving Dad and for looking after him while he has been getting worse and worse.  She faithfully visits him every day - something that I am both physically and emotionally unable to do.

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