Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Journaling Challenge Day 2.

DESCRIBE 3 LEGITIMATE FEARS YOU HAVE AND EXPLAIN HOW THEY BECAME FEARS.

Fear Number 1 - I am afraid that I will develop emphysema or dementia.

Pretty simple explanation for this one.  My mother died when she was 59, after a long battle with asthma and emphysema.  It took nearly five years for her to deteriorate to the point of death.  Five years of multiple emergency hospital trips due to flus, colds, viruses or asthma attacks.  Several surgeries to fix problems caused by the huge amounts of prednisone she was taking, including two hip replacements and the fitting of a colostomy when her large intestine *BURST*. Her skin became like tissue paper.  She was constantly covered in large, bloody bruises and bandaids. Her body was disintegrating before our very eyes.  So that's why I fear emphysema.  It's an horrific way to die.

I fear dementia because that is what my 83-year-old father currently has.  He has moved into a nursing home in the last twelve months because my stepmother can no longer care for him.  She has done an amazing job, but it was time for her to look after herself.  My father was an incredibly intelligent, well-read and wickedly funny man, as well as a gentleman.  It has taken several years for him to not be that anymore. The last time he knew who I was, was several years ago, and he hasn't said a full sentence in about ten months.  Don't believe people who tell you that "at least with Alzheimer's you won't know who you are and you won't know you have it."  That is the biggest crock of shit and I disabuse people of that thought whenever I hear it uttered.  People with dementia are very aware of what they have lost.  They are just unable to vocalise it. That's why they can get angry, frustrated and sad. I've seen my dad become frustrated at not being able to read a word on a sign.  He starts reading, gets to a word he doesn't know, gets frustrated then stops.  Then he goes back to the beginning of the sentence like nothing has happened and gets frustrated all over again.  People mistake that as being harmless, because the person with Alzheimer's seems to forget they were upset. But the feelings are not forgotten. They do not dissipate. That feeling of helplessness is now mixed with confusion because they can't remember why they felt helpless.  It's fucking awful. I think swearing is warranted and I don't apologise for it.

Fear Number 2 - I am afraid that I will reach old age and not have achieved anything noteworthy.

I guess this is a pretty standard sort of fear that many people have.  I like to "should" myself - that indulgent behaviour where I tell myself off for not having done this or that or the other. That I "should" have felt a certain way, said a certain thing, been a certain person.  In essence, I talk to myself in a manner that I wouldn't dream of talking to the people I love and care about.  So why do I talk to myself this way?  Possibly because I'm scared.

Fear Number 3 - I am constantly afraid of making mistakes.

Because my memory is cactus, I live in constant fear of forgetting something important and of letting down someone I love.  I feel like I can't be relied upon, when I desperately want to be reliable.  When I was 40, I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).  I had gone to a doctor because of my terrible memory, general fuzziness and a general slowing down of my cognitive ability and executive functioning. I thought I had early onset dementia (see Fear 1).  So after being treated for nearly two years for ADHD, I have improved immensely, but I still don't have a crash hot memory.  The problem is that it is inconsistent.  I can't guarantee what I will be able to remember and what I won't be able to remember.  So sometimes I will put everything into my phone reminder and other times I won't because I think "I will remember." Sometimes this backfires and I go through the whole cycle of self-blame and self-loathing.  "Why can't I just remember things like other people?" I am able to hyperfocus on things like craft or Game of Thrones, and remember minute details.  This makes it look like I just don't care about the every day things I have to remember.  It's so not like that.  A disabling fear envelops me when I have to do planning or financial work; it's paralysing.  I'm just waiting for me to make a mistake.  All day.  Every day.  Constantly on the alert. Unless I am crafting or reading or listening to podcasts.  Doing these things allows me to take a sideways jump out of my head for a bit and to find joy.  It's really important.  I know it looks like I'm skiving off, but I'm not.  If I don't have regular breaks I can't handle the day-to-day.

I could go on, but there's my 3 major fears and why I fear them.

Love to all, Kat x


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